What a title eh? I haven’t been on here blogging in a while because it just felt so …. fake. It’s hard to post happy pictures about happy adventures when my insides haven’t been feeling so happy.
I had a bout of postpartum anxiety when Joseph was just born, probably until he was about 4 months old was quite severe (to me anyways). I won’t go into much detail, but to sum it up: he was so small and vulnerable, and I was so afraid that somehow I would cause a terrible accident and hurt him. I couldn’t even bring him into the kitchen or near a staircase. It was awful. I had terrible nightmares. I was on a waiting list to see someone from the mental health unit, but I started to feel better and those terrible anxieties went away. I didn’t go to my appointment. We had an amazing spring and summer full of lots of fun and adventures (and sunshine!). Life was really great.
However, near the end of last summer I started to have insomnia that progressively got worse to the point where I was barely getting 3 hours of sleep a night. I felt tired all the time. I was sad. I was angry. I wasn’t myself. I could barely work at my part-time job. My worst day: I just sat at my computer for 2 hours, staring at the screen, unable to do anything. I was miserable and frustrated. I felt that I couldn’t be a good wife and mother. Josh bore the brunt of it, and I dreaded when he came home because I knew my face and body language betrayed how I was feeling. I didn’t want him to stress out about my stress.
I couldn’t sleep and it was driving me literally crazy.
About 2 months ago, I decided that it was time to get help. I told my doctor about my insomnia and my depressed feelings.
I have a prescription for antidepressants, and a sleeping pill that I take on particularly bad nights.
I wish that the antidepressants would help me sleep, but they don’t.
I still can’t sleep (it’s currently 1:15 am).
I feel slightly better mood-wise, but still fairly upset and disappointed that my life seems out of control because of the sleeping issues.
I would go to see a psychologist, but they cost 170$ an hour.
I was hoping to get a referral to the Reproductive Mental Health Unit, but apparently to be seen, a woman needs to be in her 2nd trimester. No help for current mothers?
I don’t know any other moms who are dealing with this.
I have been afraid to write this all down. It will be out in the open. Is that ok?
Anyways, that’s me right now. Maybe I will write about this more. It seems helpful to write about my feelings.