God, why is life so tough?

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I think one of the hardest things I’ve been dealing with during this postpartum depression is my altered sense of faith. I’ve grown up with a fairly sunny, optimistic, and idealistic view of the world. I came by faith quite naturally because life contained so many beautiful things that pointed towards God. I experienced hardships and suffering, but nothing like I’ve been sinking in over these last few months.

This lens of hardship and suffering with which I am seeing in myself and in the world has left me wondering: why? Why is life so incredibly hard? God, why have you permitted this?

A really lame example is this weekend. Josh is gone. Joseph is sick. I am sick. Joseph won’t sleep. Joseph is up at 1 am throwing a tantrum because I took the kitchen chairs away because he was dancing on the table. I am too exhausted to deal with that, and I cry. As I type this, Joseph is still refusing to fall asleep, and it is 4 am. He sounds so sad, but I don’t think I can go back in for a 4th time tonight. I am afraid to try to sleep because I know he will be up multiple times tonight. Why did it have to happen like this, when I am all alone?

I feel guilty about saying that I’m suffering, because I know there are other mothers who are going through much worse things that I am. It seems silly to be complaining about a sick kid being awake dancing on a table, when I know that there are mothers who are choosing to take their kids on an unsafe boat to hopefully bring them a better life. Or mothers who are on their own all the time. Or mothers who can’t even feed their child.

Thinking those things actually just makes me feel worse. Why is the world like this?

I’ve been taught that God created us because he had such an overflow of love that he wanted to pour it out into creatures who could return it. He gave us free will  (and the capacity to choose evil and good) because he loves us so much, and he wants that love returned freely. Our ultimate goal of this life is to make it to heaven. So we live an average of 70 years, making choices that hopefully will land us a spot in heaven.

Honestly, the way I am seeing it right now, it seems as though this life is full of bittersweet heartache most of the time.

Why make us like this? Why make this “trial” period of life when all we long for (whether we know it or not) is perfect happiness in heaven?

All of this thinking has made it really hard for me to pray. 

Why make this life, with all the sufferings included? There are moments that are beautiful and lovely and breathtaking. But then there are moments of sorrow and pain that are so intense, despair starts to set in. I used to be ruled by hope, but lately my world is tainted by bitter.

I want to go back to those joyful days, when it was so incredibly easy to believe in God’s goodness. It makes me feel sad to think that part of me is lost right now. God, can you show me how good you are again? I’ve forgotten who you are.

**Update: Joseph fell asleep at 5:30 am. It was one of the most trying nights I have ever experienced. But once he slept, he slept really well. And I slept. Josh came home. Life was just fine again. I survived.

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5 thoughts on “God, why is life so tough?

  1. bitsfromheaven

    You’re not alone Hun. I have learned something so valuable and I want to share it with you…
    God knew every word in this post, including the ones you deleted. He knows your heart. His love is forever. He knows, and so you one day should believe, that this beast depression does not define your heart.
    Gods grace is covering you. Now and forever. He doesn’t walk away even if we do.
    💜 If all you can say is Jesus – It’s enough. He longs to carry our many burdens that come with our depression.

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    Reply
    1. MalloryBrisson Post author

      That was so beautiful. Thank you. It’s so foreign to me, feeling this void where my hope in God used to be. I always read: trust, have confidence. But how do you force trust and confidence? But I suppose I can have trust and confidence that this desert will not last forever.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      1. bitsfromheaven

        You don’t always have to have confidence Hun. And it’s ok that you’re struggling with trust. God knows you’re suffering from depression. The feelings of guilt and despair are not placed there by God, but by a chemical misfire in our brains. That void you can’t escape is part of that imbalance. When you’re really struggling just remind yourself that you’re depression is not your fault, or the Lords.
        When I really struggle I tell Jesus about all the things I’m thankful for. If I can’t find anything deep and significant I just say ‘thanks that my toilet still flushes. Cuz God, wouldn’t that be crappy if it didn’t.’ Gods got a sense of humor too😋. Prayer is not something we have to do religiously like washing out face, brushing are teeth every morning. Prayer is just talking with our Lord. However that needs to be for you, then do it that way. If you’re angry then tell Him, as he already knows my dear. I yell at God sometimes. It’s not because I am mad AT him, but because the bible says He is all things. Our counselor, father, friend, lover of our soul, physician, and our hope when we have none. Take advantage of all He longs to be for you, because He loves you.💜💜💜

        Liked by 1 person

      2. MalloryBrisson Post author

        Those are some really wise words. Please keep talking! This is what I have been craving, to hear truth, because my mind has been warping it. You are speaking my language right now. Have you done a blog post about faith in depression? I would love to read it.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. bitsfromheaven

        I’ve done a few on postpartum depression, my last about looking through the eyes of my son who’s one now. I haven’t done one just on depression alone…in working my way up to it. I’ve done one on love and God that helps me immensely. It’s the first I really dove into why I chose to be a Christian. I got some off putting comments and it was discoursing at first! It’s very hard to write about depression isn’t it? It’s rough having to find the Lord in all circumstances. Read my most recent post called ‘A dash of hope’. It’s about looking at me through my sons eyes and putting my role as a mom outside of my depression into perspective. Maybe it will help you to see that you’re more than just sad, lost as it did for myself writing it.💜

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