Over this last week I have been trying something new: waking up 30 minutes early. I wanted to try to get a head start on my day before Joseph gets up. It has been really great. I bake, clean, shower. It has brought a lot of peace and happiness into my life.
What I don’t do: pray.
I noticed it this morning as I was doing dishes and thinking happy thoughts about how peaceful I felt. How I used to feel that way about praying and my relationship with Jesus. Praying used to be the first thing I did when I woke up. It was the way I had to start my day. It was my instinct. What’s happened? I feel the hole where faith used to be such a big part of my life.
It’s so strange to me to experience this; that the things of faith don’t no longer make sense to me. I read the bible and it brings me no consolation or inspiration. It’s as if they are just words on a page instead of the inspired word of God. I listen to worship music and the praise is gone from my lips. The story of Christ and salvation does not impact me any longer. I don’t feel the need for him. I have absolutely no desire to pick up my journal to pray. In fact I think it has been a month since I wrote in it. My journal has been my faithful companion since I was 16!
I thought it was because of my depression. I have been feeling great over these last 2 weeks, and yet my close relationship with Jesus has not returned. I’m wondering if there is something I can do to force it to come back? I miss him. I miss feeling God’s mercy, greatness, forgiveness, inspirations, passion, etc.
I am still a missionary right now. I only work at home and do social media, but technically Jesus is still my “job”. But he seems completely missing from my life right now. Not that he is missing, but that I am not finding him. I’m not recognizing him! I used to take so much pride in telling people who I work for. I used to love it as an opportunity to speak about Christ. But now when anyone asks, I simply say I work for a non-profit. I’m not sure when I started to do this, but I caught myself saying it and wondered when my mind had made the shift.
I’m just wondering if anyone else who has worked in ministry or had a strong relationship with Jesus has ever “lost it”. Lost the faith. How did they find it again? Was it something they were doing wrong? Or did God create a distance for a reason?
I feel like having faith would be a wonderful thing for me right now; to help me battle through this season of depression. I want God to be my strength and my shield, a safe place to rest. But I don’t know how anymore.